Author Topic: "Club Allinclusivana"  (Read 1225 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Belladonna

  • Global Moderator
  • Elite Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 5286
  • Moderation in all things, especially in moderation
"Club Allinclusivana"
« on: July 09, 2013, 08:26:30 AM »
A fly on the wall ~ and very close to a documentary by Andrew!!


Club Allinclusivana

"Club Allinclusivana, drinks are free, fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone, all that's missing is the sea ..."

"This is the life, innit. Nothing to do for two weeks. All this sun. The pool. All the pizza and all the beer. Yep, I could get very used to this." "That Spanish stuff they had at breakfast, though, that was a bit odd. What did they call it'?" "Whatever it was it should have been called bread and butter without the butter. Oil. I mean, who's ever heard of putting oil on bread?" "It didn't taste of anything either. The bread, that is. It was rock hard and all. What was it called?" "Pam and Olly, or something like that. Bloody strange thing to call bread with no butter. It's not as though it's even Spanish, is it. Is it? Do you reckon there are people called Pam here?" "Might be. I thought they were all called like, oh what was his name? You know, years ago, he had a hit." "You're thinking of Julio Inglazier. You don't hear much about him now. Probably dead."

"How many pints have you had so far today?" "Erm, this'll be my sixth, but I'm not really counting and nor should you be. We're on holiday and it's free." "Six pints, though. It's only gone twelve as well." "What else do you want me to do? If it's there, I may as well drink it. Besides, it doesn't have much effect. I hardly feel pissed at all." "So long as you don't go not feeling pissed in the pool. It's got to go somewhere. You're not going to sweat it all out, even in this heat. Bloody hell, it's hot." "How do you know I haven't ... you know." "You haven't, have you? In the pool? Dirty bugger." "Could be worse." "Don't even think about it." "I couldn't anyway. There's no way you can shit that bread out. It's stuck forever somewhere it was that hard. Anyway, I reckon they water the beer down. Either that or Spanish beer is just all gnat's."

"Dad." "No, you can't have another ice-cream. How many have you had so far today?" "About eight." "Eight!" "Who's counting now? We're on holiday, don't forget." "Yea, but eight ice-creams. You'll be throwing up in the pool." "Don't give him any ideas, six-pinter." "I haven't eaten them all. Only tried them. I keep chucking 'em away when I've had a bit of one, so I've only really had about, erm, two." "Oh, well that's all right then. Where do you chuck 'em anyway?" "On the floor, over there, where all the other kids chuck 'em. The man told us to piss off when we ... " "Don't use that language." "He did." "Cheeky git, telling my son to piss off. Is he Spanish?" "I don't know." "Is he called Julio?" "I don't know."

"Dad, what's Spanish?" "What do you mean, what's Spanish?" "Well, what is it?" "It's someone from Spain. Your dad's just being especially thick today. Or it's those six pints?" "Have you had six pints, dad?" "No, I have not." "Don't lie to him. You know full well you have." "Look, just leave my pints out of this, will you. Our son is asking a question." "And you don't know the answer." "I do. It's like you said. Someone from Spain." "Are we in Spain, dad?" "How many more times do I have to tell you? We're in Majorca." "Oh. So, why are they Spanish then?" "Eh?" "If we're in Majorca, then we're not in Spain, so ... I don't understand." "Look, you explain to him." "Don't look at me, I don't know."

"Dad, is all of Majorca like here?" "If it's just one big pool and one big free beer tap, then it must be a great place. We should think about emigrating." "There are mountains though, aren't there. We saw some on the bus the other day. Can we go up the mountains, dad?" "What do you want to go up mountains for? You're on holiday. And that means the pool and free ice-creams. There's no pool up a mountain." "There might be. I mean, you see them on those holiday programmes, don't you. Mountains with lakes and what have you. There might be waterfalls and rivers and all that sort of stuff." "Waterfalls? Can we see the waterfalls, dad?" "Look, there's no waterfalls, your mum doesn't know what she's talking about."

"But dad, there's sea somewhere, isn't there. We saw it on the plane." "I've been telling you. It'll be miles away, son. You don't get all-inclusives right by the sea. There wouldn't be a lot of point." "I'm sure I heard someone say there was a beach nearby. Who was it? Oh yea, that stuck-up lot from where is it? You know the ones. The father hasn't got a tattoo." "It's miles away I'm telling you." "I know, here's that rep. I'll ask. Excuse me, love, can you tell me, is there a beach nearby?" "Yes, go out of reception, right then left, and it's about five minutes." "Five minutes? Is that all? How long have we been here? Six days, and you've been saying the beach is miles away." "Well, I thought it was."

"You know, I wonder what else is out there. Just nearby. Come on, put that pint down. We're going out." "Are we going to the waterfalls?" "I don't know, but we're going somewhere." "But it's all-inclusive. We can't go out. I mean, what about money?"


After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done!

My Flickr Photos

tonsyl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2013, 10:35:16 AM »
And how very, very true. Until I retired I worked with a couple of guys who, separately, used to go on holiday, every year and at the same time roughly, to Alcudia but, different hotels, but both AI. One had never ventured outside the hotel and spent his days, with his wife, in the grounds and drinking pretty much from dawn to falling over time. The other had been on excursions, shopping or nightclubs, picked up from outside the front door and dropped off likewise. In their eyes, neither they nor their family needed to see anything of Alcudia, they had everything they needed inside the hotels. To the best of my knowledge they are probably still in "Allinclusivana", bless 'em.

Eleanor

  • Elite Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1728
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2013, 12:31:13 PM »
OMG! These peopel actually exist! All to their own I suppose  ::)

Reading this reminded me of the tv programme Benidorm - maybe it isn't so over the top after all!  ;D
Eleanor


Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

andrew711

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 474
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2013, 20:24:20 PM »
Eleanor, don't mind admitting that "Benidorm" was in my head when I was doing this. It was a comedy, I know, but it wasn't so wide of the mark. Though, and it's fair to point out, that not all all-inclusives might be like my make-believe. Some are high quality, but the result is still much the same. What with a trend to lower spend by visitors, they're slowly ripping the heart out of resorts. Puerto Pollensa is lucky in this regard, as it has a relatively lower dependence on hotels.

Bonyslad

  • Administrator
  • Elite Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1990
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2013, 07:15:05 AM »
????????

 Perhaps it's me but am I missin summat ???

 BL  ??? ??? ???
BonysLad

HEY. YOU. Get off of my cloud ( of wonderful ) !!

tonsyl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2013, 19:21:02 PM »
Thee might be lad, thee just might be !

Belladonna

  • Global Moderator
  • Elite Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 5286
  • Moderation in all things, especially in moderation
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2013, 08:17:17 AM »
Andrews "truth";

Monday, July 15, 2013

MALLORCA TODAY The Damned Lies About All-Inclusives

I know that we should all by now realise that tourism statistics and figures that are thrown out to the media provide no more meaningful a purpose than for the media to be able to fill some space, but bear with me if you will. I know these stats are basically pointless, but their pointlessness doesn't stop them being looked at and questions being asked as to whether they are not just pointless but also wrong and perhaps deliberately wrong.

Last week we were fed a diet of all-inclusive statistics, ones to be regurgitated by the media, reported and otherwise ignored except by some indignant commentators to websites who choose not to query the statistics but to sound off about crap food and drink, low-quality tourists and indulge in the normal sounding-off which accompanies anything AI.

These figures revealed that all-inclusive represents 15% of hotel overnight stays, this 15% being equivalent to more than eight million overnight stays. They also revealed that there are 165 hotels offering AI. So far, so utterly uninteresting. However, my discrepancy antennae were alerted to the 15% percentage. More than eight million overnight stays out of a total of 42,524,369 do not equate to 15%. They are some four percentage points higher. So, this was the first thing that was wrong. Then there was the 42 million figure.

The Balearics tourism ministry very kindly publishes spreadsheets on its website which give all manner of information about the number of hotels that are open in any given month, about the number of hotel places and about the number of overnight stays. The 42 million was not 42 million. It was 37,408,218. More than eight million, as a percentage, is not 15%, not 19% but around 21.5%.

There was then something about these figures in last week's report that didn't suggest a discrepancy but rather bafflement. The figures were for 2010. If so, why were they being reported now? Oh, because, so we were led to believe, this was the last time that the tourism ministry did a survey. Really? And what survey was this exactly?

Among the spreadsheets on the website, there are those for different types of establishment. What these do not show is the exact type of board arrangements that hotels offer, but the ministry has this information. Or it is supposed to have it, as hotels are supposed to register board offers with the ministry.

But even supposing that, for some reason, the ministry doesn't have this information, why has it taken three years for it to make available information about all-inclusive places? And, moreover, why has it taken three years to issue information that disputes that which it makes public on its website, namely the total number of overnight stays? An answer to the first of these questions is that it hasn't taken three years.

The 15% figure that was reported last week wasn't in fact new news. On 23 March 2010, I wrote an article in which I quoted the figure. It had come from the hoteliers federation. Another article I wrote in 2010 (6 May) referred to the 165 hotels. Information from? The hoteliers federation.

So, I am totally baffled as to why these statistics were issued last week. Baffled as to why there has not been a more recent "survey" of all-inclusives by the tourism ministry and baffled as to why there is a discrepancy in the statistics, as revealed by the ministry's website figures which, were there not the discrepancy, would show a higher percentage of all-inclusive in 2010.

What might we conclude from all of this? Might this conclusion be that there is a wish to suppress information about the true level of all-inclusives? But there again, what is the true level? What was interesting about the reporting of these figures last week was mention of the fact that not only would the level of all-inclusive have increased since 2010 (which it undoubtedly has) but that it was nigh on impossible to get a true figure because of the common practice by hotels of offering upgrades to guests with other board arrangements when they arrive. This was hardly a revelation. It's a practice that has been happening for years. 

We don't know what the true level is. We will probably never know. And yet, there have been political demands for there to be true and accurate information. Concerned by reports of a 15% decline in restaurant turnover, these demands were made. When was this? July 2008. Who made them? The Partido Popular. Who now runs the tourism ministry ...?

After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done!

My Flickr Photos

tonsyl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 676
Re: "Club Allinclusivana"
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2013, 15:06:46 PM »
These so called statistics do make me chuckle. I make a point of looking at the MDB every morning and read so much about great tourist figures one day then the next, not so good, then the next how Palma Airport has had its busiest day for years etc.etc. As is suggested, a pinch of salt needs to be taken each time we read these things because I am sure whoever gets these stats, or the hotels / airlines that send them in may just sometimes be promoting their own agenda.